How To Support Others Without Draining Yourself
Draw boundaries and draw on community support
“We will need community support to keep operating.” ~ Alex Wheeler
Most people don’t go around stealing things from other people, or forcing others to give them their things. Yet it seems that people go around trying to steal other people’s energy by forcing them into doing things they don’t want to do. This is often done because people are not okay — they are suffering, which is sad. And they are desperately trying to get someone else to give them their time and energy to make them feel better.
Of course, we need each other, and we need to love and support each other. Yet loving and supporting each other should not be a draining affair. Loving and supporting each other can lift us and energize us. But there are times when, despite loving and supporting someone else, we find that the other person is not able to respect our boundaries and needs in taking care of ourselves. They demand too much of our time, and they are insensitive to the time and energy we need to fulfill our own needs. This can happen despite our having been clear that we need to take care of other things. They appear to continue demanding what we cannot give even after we have expressed concern and love for them, and even when we have made a sincere connection with them to support their needs.
In this way, people inadvertently try to steal our energy, and we can find ourselves exhausted, drained, and unable to cope with the pressures we face. As a result, we may find ourselves at risk of dropping the ball with our responsibilities, which could, in turn, hurt others. So, allowing an energy-draining situation has a knock-on effect. We need to stand firm in taking care of our own needs and commitments so that we don’t also put undue problems on others.
It’s not that we should be rejecting people when they need help — we need to be aware that help and support are not the same things as filling a void for someone else. We must respect others and allow them to grow and fulfill their journey. We do this by loving them, but not by taking on their full responsibility onto our shoulders.
It’s challenging to understand that people are suffering, and therefore they are doing hurtful things — they are somewhat unconscious in the situation, and seem unaware of how to get more conscious. If we can understand this, we can be more careful that we ourselves do not fall into the same hole with them. If we do, how will we both get out of the hole? We need to maintain our footing while supporting the other person.
There is subtle energy we can feel when people are desperately, forcefully taking our energy — it is like a robber who would come into your home, and take from you forcefully. You know that he is hurting for him to do such things, yet you know that you need to secure your home against such harm. If he does get in to steal your things, it will be you who loses your things, but although he gains your things, he doesn’t really gain anything because he is stealing, and so he is reducing his consciousness even further. By securing your home you protect not only yourself but also him.
People who are suffering, need love — we all need support. Of course, there may be times that you feel needy, and it is good to have the perspective of the other person. Many people seem strong, yet we are all faced with our challenges. It is unhelpful to feel shame about needing help, and it is unhelpful to blame others for needing help. It is useful to both the person supporting and the one needing support, to be part of a community in which there is more than one person available to support others. We experience these challenges when there is a lack of community spirit, but we can build this spirit ourselves by surrounding ourselves with warm, compassionate people that know how to both receive and give care. We can build these connections slowly so that trust is built and character is revealed.
If we live in silos and rely only on one or two people, we will inevitably find ourselves under emotional pressure. We need to keep the balance and avoid any one person becoming drained. Communities of love and support could be family, but could also be friends or spiritual family. When we can see ourselves as more connected to others, we will be able to expand our connections and find the suitable surroundings in which we can enjoy giving and receiving support without it being a drain on anyone. There is immense value in community support. We all suffer at some point, and so we are all in need of love and support at some point. Balancing our empathy with self-care is important if we err on the side of neglecting ourselves — ultimately it is not helpful to neglect oneself and helps no one in the community.
