Untangle Yourself From Toxic Relationship Cycles
Raise your awareness and arise out of toxic situations
“There is love in holding…And there is love in letting go.” ~ Elizabeth Berg
Much of our peace in life depends on a healthy sense of when to hold on, and when to let go. When one is stuck in an unconscious pattern involving a toxic relationship, it can be hard to sense when it is time to let go. Here we share insight on having to let go of toxic relationships.
Like most addictive situations, toxic relationships come wrapped up in something quite appealing. Bad situations often seem like they are good. But when unhealthy behavior becomes a pattern, we can start to see that these situations don’t actually make us feel good — they make us feel like we’re going to get intoxicated or drunk on them. And that begs the question, what are we trying to escape from?
Just like with getting drunk time after time, we know the way the toxic relationship story ends. So, in moments of temptation to return to a toxic relationship, ask yourself, “What is it that you still want in this destructive cycle, even though you know it’s going to go the same way again?” As you observe the cycle, maybe you’ll discover that there was growth in it. You value growth, and so maybe you want this painful relationship to push you to grow more. This should lead you to ask yourself if you believe you have to learn from suffering. Are you hiding an unhealthy belief that we have to learn through pain? Question this belief, and realize that this process of learning is harmful and that this belief is unhelpful.
Sometimes the relationship holds unfinished business. Yet, you can see it’s impossible to finish, and the process is going to wear you down, wear the other person down, or wear both of you down. Then there is the matter of how good it feels in the moment (just like getting drunk may feel) — even though we know it will ultimately cause so much pain. A moment of pleasure is not worth putting each other through unnecessary heartache. Can we learn from our past pain, and refrain from recreating pain? The pleasure of moments that cause pain is corrupted and not really joyful.
When a tempting cycle is about to replay, you can sometimes feel it coming — it can feel like it’s inevitable, and even like it’s meant to be. Yet, if it’s clearly destructive, then consider that everything could be conspiring to tempt you, so you can grow by not falling into the temptation. If you look closely you may find that unhealthy behaviors go against the natural flow of life. These situations seem strong, yet if we pay attention, we notice that they strongly resist the flow of life — they persist with much suffering and effort like a man swimming against the current. Watch it, and do not give in to the temptation. And you will see it pass you by.
When you feel this strong pull towards a toxic connection, it could be trying to tell you that there’s still a pain that needs to be healed. Try to remind yourself that life is vast and love is everywhere — healing can happen at any time through love that can come from anywhere — including inside yourself. Life is not desperate for unhealthy attempts at healing that do not actually heal in the long run. We need to know that healing will come, from within ourselves or from other healthy sources. We should not push unhealthy situations that are only going to land us back on the rollercoaster of unhealthy cycles.
When it comes to toxic relationships, it is quite difficult to accept that the behavior is an addiction because there is often a sense of love too. It may help to consider that sometimes the best way to love is to let go. There are times when the best thing you can do for someone you love is to let go — not with judgment, not with anger, not with blame, not with guilt, not with shame, but just to let go with love. Love is a reliable guide for all our decisions.
It is important to manage and control our feelings and thoughts because energy is real, and can cause us to stumble into toxic situations again and again if we do not find our conscious awareness in it all. Shadows will continue to lurk in corners that are not lit up by love for ourselves, and for others. We wish you strength as you embark on more conscious relationships in the future.
